I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
