I didn't shave. On purpose
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
