Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
