Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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