I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Randomize
