I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
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