apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
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