somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Randomize
