Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
