How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Randomize
