I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
