dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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