the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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