I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
so that wasnt chicken after all
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
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the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
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He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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