guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
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