if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
