he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
