I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
