somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
