Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
