i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Four minutes until I can fart!
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
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