I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
