The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
No he was cute and I said yes!
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Sober January is a disaster.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"