I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
is this the sara with the beer cane?
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Randomize
