I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
