my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Boobs are out for the taking
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Randomize
