I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Green mimosas i think yes
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Randomize
