____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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