yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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