sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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