He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
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