Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
3 2 1 whiskey
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
