After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
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