I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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