I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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