A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
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