totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
