just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
