The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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