i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
