fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
