we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
