im gay
i know
yea but for you.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
