I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Pappa wants mamma naked
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
