im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Randomize
