i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
