You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Randomize
