I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
