Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
There are leaves in my underwear?
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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