life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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