Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
