I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
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