I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
