I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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