So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I stole a fireplace last night.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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