you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
Less talking, more tequila
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
