Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
